So I don't know if any of you Moms saw Oprah on Monday, but it was quite relevant to what I'm going through right now. It was all about motherhood; the good, the bad and the ugly. There were moms who talked about some of the crazy things they've done to keep their kids quiet (like peeing in a diaper when all 3 kids were asleep on a roadtrip!), and there were moms who were very candid about their postpartum depression. All and all the consensus was it's time for everyone to start being honest about motherhood so everyone doesn't feel so alone. It inspired me to start being more open about the hard parts on this blog. I don't want to be Debbie Downer or anything because motherhood is amazing, but sometimes I feel trapped, alone, sad, or just like an idiot.
One of those hard parts is the inevitable return to work for the working mom. I had my first official break down last night. The weird thing is we had such a great day. Savannah slept and napped well all day. We went to Meredith's house for a "play date" and then to my moms to hang out for awhile and it was just one of those days where I was just feeling fulfilled. To top it off, Tim and I had some quality Savannah time just watching her smile at us and after that we put her to bed we watched our favorite TV show of all time, LOST. Maybe that's the exact reason I got so upset. Perhaps it's that I see that I think I can indeed be completely fulfilled by simply being a wife and a good mother. I'm sure it's more than that however. Another contributing factor to my blubbering is the all so familiar postpartum hormones. No one ever tells you that they are FAR WORSE after pregnancy than during. I also realized that I will get to spend a total of about 3 hours a workday with her...maybe 3 and 1/2. What kind of mother am I? How can I focus on my work when this is what I'm leaving in the morning:
I'll probably be grateful for my adult interaction. I'm definitely grateful for the dual income. I know I can do this; millions of women do it and survive, and I'm sure it'll be harder on me than it is on her. Lately some days I feel ready to tackle this working mom thing and I'm not upset about it at all, and some days I get this awful pit in my stomach. Don't want to close out this entry with such a sad note, so moving on I'd like to know what all you working moms (even if you are a stay at home mom now, but started out working) did and do to get through the daytime separation. For those of you that do stay at home, feel free to comment; I'd still love to hear your thoughts. I need all the help I can get!
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I'm a wife, Mom, photographer, daughter, sister, friend. I love good food, weightlifting, Crossfit, and exploring. I love talking about things as serious as faith and purpose and as silly as good TV. This blog is about my attempt to thrive in our world.
2 comments
Heather...I know just how you are feeling. Almost 2 years later, I still have moments where I loose it...throwing myself the biggest pity party. As cliche as it is, it does get easier as time goes on and it makes you cherish the time that you do get to spend with her! If you ever need to vent or talk...please call me! Love you girl!
Heather, I had breakdowns like you are describing when I had to go back to work. In fact, I went back to work on a Monday and didn't think I was going to be able to get out of the car in the parking garage that morning because I was crying over having to leave him. I stayed home on Tuesday because I couldn't bear the thought of missing any one of his important milestones. All I can say is that it does get easier. I would be willing to sacrifice so many things if I was able to stay home with him, but ultimately, I need to work to take care of him. The interaction with others is very important to my health. I think you will see this too. Like you, I only get to see him for a few hours a day. I try to make the morning time so special... whether it is just having a bottle, playing on the floor, or getting dressed.. I want to make him smile and get a cuddle in before I have to go to work. I try to get home by 530 and have 3 hours to spend with him before bedtime. We play, eat, read, bathe... I try to make it as much fun as possible. The weekends are all Matty, all the time. I wouldn't give those up for the world. Long story short... you make the time you spend with them as special as possible. Savannah will know how much you love her even during the times you do not get to spend with her. You know my numbers for work and cell... feel free to call me for support anytime you need it. I will keep you in my prayers next week...
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