Do you ever notice that sometimes that particular themes or messages start popping up everywhere in your life? It has been happening to me all the time. For instance, I did a Bible study in the fall with some dear women who have preschoolers at Advent Presbyterian. These women were from all different denominations and backgrounds and all brought something special to the study. In the study, one of the last lessons was on friendships and how to truly sustain friendships, you have to be willing to have tough conversations. Then fast forward to last Tuesday, I was at a girl's night where we watched a short video by Shauna Niequist that hit close to home. The topic was on friendships, being real, and being willing to have tough conversations to move relationships forward. Then finally, this week I was wrapping up week one of my study on Ruth at Acent Community Church. Wouldn't you know it, but the topic was on watching your words, and how's it's essential to be willing to have the tough conversations in order to move a relationship forward. I am one that is admittedly leary of claiming that God is speaking into my life. I'm much too logical for that. However, I have to admit it might just be His urging to explore this, to wrestle about it, and to write what's on my heart.
The point is this. I've lost some friends along the way. Maybe not completely, but I've let several relationships fade away into the background. But I'm choosing not to be angry, to take responsibility of my part, and to commit to being a better friend going forward. So here is how to lose a friend in 10 days (metaphorically speaking):
Make it all about you
One of my dearest friends since childhood got married and had kids before everyone else. I always was a little envious of her. She was thinner than me, she got to do all the grown up stuff first, she was funny, she was/is such a great listener. After she got married and had kids, I didn't hear from her as often. I was a little ticked! Why was I always the one making the effort and getting things together? I remember a couple of Saturdays I and our other friend in our circle invited her to our favorite breakfast spot. Her response? "I can't do those things anymore, I have a child." Ok now I was really pissed. Did having these blessed children now make her queen of the world?
Now fast forward about 7 years. I now have two kids. My other friend has one kid. While everyone does life with kids a little differently, oh how I get it. While leisurely breakfasts as a new parent aren't totally impossible, your ability to make plans revolved around nap schedules, feeding schedules, and frankly how awake you are at the the moment. I thought I was doing enough to make the plans. Not so much. If I had it to do over again, I would have said I wanted to get together. I would have asked her what time worked best for her or could we come to her instead. I would have made it about HER.
Stop Making Time
This is a big one. Why is it so easy to have these amazing friendships in college and in high school, but it's so much damn harder in adulthood? It's all about the time. In high school and in college we live in these little utopias where we are forced to spend hours a day with all these people. We don't have to find time. Not only do we have this built in time with all these people, most of us have NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD TO BE DOING. Sure we may have sports, extra circulars, sororities, and some studying to do, but those things are also typically with other people.
Enter a real job. Enter a spouse. Enter kids that suck the ever-loving life out of you. Enter a house in the suburbs. It has to be so intentional at this point.
Often times, we let friends fade in and out of our life because it wasn't convenient. We end up being friends with people we are going to be around anyway. I think that's ok...we have to do what we have to do to survive. I'm just saying if we don't want to lose friends that we don't see every day, we need to figure out a way to make the time to fit them into our lives.
Chose not to have the tough conversations
This one has to be the hardest. I alluded to it earlier. What does this mean? Have you ever had a point in a friendship where something was off? Maybe you interpreted texts or unanswered phone calls in a negative way? Or maybe a friend did or said something that made you angry or that you didn't agree with, but instead of talking it through you talked smack about her to your spouse, or even worse, another friend? Oh man am I guilty of this. During my faith crisis, I felt like I lost friends. But you know what? I never once confronted one and tried to work through it. There have been times in my friendships were I've felt like I was no longer in the "inner circle" but I let myself fade into the distance in a place where the friendship would be awkward to salvage.
When I think about my friendships that have stood the test of time, I can say that I've had tough conversations in all of those relationships. We've worked through life choice issues and friendship issues. Although it's not comfortable, those are the friendships of substance. Those are the friends who know what make me tick, who bring my dinner when I'm on my last leg, and who will listen to me rant and rave until I feel better. Those are the kind of friends I want.
I know we've only got so much room in our brains/lives/hearts to have so many of "those" type of with-you-through-thick-and-thin type friends, but I've let me list run pretty low. Unfortunately, it took moving across the country to make me realize I need to brush up on my friend keeping skills. Fortunately for me I get a fresh start.
I'm a wife, Mom, photographer, daughter, sister, friend. I love good food, weightlifting, Crossfit, and exploring. I love talking about things as serious as faith and purpose and as silly as good TV. This blog is about my attempt to thrive in our world.
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