5 Things I'd Tell Myself On My Wedding Day

I've been thinking about marriage.  Maybe it's because I recently had an anniversary.  It wasn't a significant anniversary.  I've been married a whopping 11 years which seems impossible to me.  Perhaps it's because I'm at that in between age where I am old enough to have friends who are struggling in their marriages and have even suffered through divorce yet young enough to still have friends who are just now tying the knot.

I probably don't have the right or authority to give marriage advice this stage.  I recently saw an internet famous couple (they've been married 8 months) giving marriage thoughts and advice on instagram and I kinda wanted to smack them.  Ok, I really wanted to smack them.  To some of the many couples I know who have been married 30 and 40+ years this probably sounds naive.  However, as I reflect on our journey as a couple, I wish I could talk to my younger, naive self and talk some sense into her.  Here's what I'd say.

1. Don't try to keep up with the Jones

I wish someone had preached this to me until I got it stuck in my thick skull.  Because we got married so young (22 and fresh out of college; yes we were babies) we didn't have much money.  One week after our honeymoon (which we only got to go on because it was gifted to us) we moved straight to DC, one of the most expensive places in the U.S.  Looking on this experience, I realize I had no concept of money.  Not only that, but I felt like that as a married couple, there are things you are supposed to have.  Like a couch and a bedspread.  It took me almost 10 years to realize that no one really cares if there are drapes on your windows or that you have matching dinnerware.  Literally NO ONE CARES.  And if they do, they probably aren't worth my friendship anyway.  Had I learned this lesson earlier on, I would have saved a lot of money, been more content, and spent more energy focusing on things that truly make me happy.

2. Compromise not sacrifice

We coined this little phrase early on in our relationship.  We used to say that good relationships, we thought, required plenty of compromise, not sacrifice.  I don't think I'd use these semantics today.   I wouldn't go as far to say that you don't have to sacrifice in a relationship.  That's just not true.  However, my belief around what I was trying to say at the time still hasn't changed.  And that's this.

I don't think you should have to play the martyr in a relationship.  You shouldn't have to sacrifice your individuality, hobbies, passions, or interests. Should you go play golf all weekend EVERY weekend while your wife stays home with the kids?  If you want a furious wife and no sex in the foreseeable future, be my guest.  Should you have to give up golf?  Of course not.

I think the dance of compromise looks vastly different for everyone.  We haven't perfected it by any stretch of the imagination, but for us it looks something like this...

The time after the kids are in bed every Thursday and Sunday night is my husband's time.  No questions.  I don't bug him to do any chores or give him a hard time if he's not spending time with me.  That's his time.  If one of us wants to do something without the other and/or the kids we talk about it ahead of time, usually when we plan out our week.


3. Guys love adventure Women love security.

My feminist friends will probably disown me for saying this if they haven't already.  Let me just go ahead and say that I admit that my perspective is that of a female heterosexual born and raised in a conservative, traditional environment.  I acknowledge that...ok?  But back to the point...

Most married women I know need security to some degree.  Most men I know need adventure to some degree.  These innate needs conflict.  If we hadn't realized this in our relationship and figured out how to deal, we'd be in big trouble.

Security and adventure mean different things for everyone.  Security for me means getting a break from making household decisions.  It means knowing that we are in this relationship together; that no matter what life hurls our way, we are a unit.

I don't want to speak for my husband regarding what adventure means to him, but I do know it's important to I try to be open to new ideas and experiences and trust that we'll make sound decisions together.

4. Kids really do change everything (Did I say everything??)

When I was pregnant with my first child I was under the delusion that I'd be a "cool" mom.  Yes, I knew babies weren't easy, but I wasn't going to change my life for a baby.  My desire to be a mom blinded me to reality.  I honestly thought the only thing that would change about my life is that we'd have to get a babysitter every now and then.

What was I smoking?

Maybe you can err more on the side of compromise in your relationship with your spouse but when it comes to kids, I don't see how you can avoid sacrificing yourself in some sense.  I look back on my life pre kids and remember a time when the hardest and most taxing thing I had to do after work was cook and clean up the dishes.  I truly think I was a lazy bum before kids.

Similarly, I remember being at my in-laws home over a holiday. I can't even remember which one.  I was probably sleep deprived.  My daughter was two and my son wasn't one yet.  My husband's siblings and their spouses (none of them had kids yet) were in town and they'd already been hanging out at my in-law's house.  After I had hugged everyone hello, I asked what they'd been doing.  "Oh you know.  We woke up about 9:30 hung out and ate breakfast.  The girls went shopping and the guys played video games.  Then we all took a nap."  I was literally filled with rage and jealously and on the verge of bursting into tears (can we say hormones and sleep deprivation?)

Obviously I wouldn't' change a thing about my kids or when they came into this world, but if I could talk to my former self I'd tell her to enjoy life more without kids instead of spending so much time anticipating motherhood.  I'd tell her to get her ducks in a row financially before I had kids because the saying that kids are expensive is true.  I'd tell her to not wait to make date nights and kid free trips a priority; start as soon as possible when kids are in the picture.  I'd tell her to enjoy the process of raising kids rather than trying to get it perfect every step of the way.

5. Don't forget to have fun

I think this one is much easier to remember pre kids.  Scheduling date nights and semi-regular get-a-ways sans kids has done wonders for us.  This sounds silly, but sometimes I'll play a song, watch a show, or look at a picture that reminds me of a time when our relationship was new.  Those butterflies go away, but I never want to forget what it was like.

I am in middle of Gretchen Rubin's newest book Better than Before.  In it she dissects the power of habit and their impact on happiness.  She poses the question, "Why is it hard to find time to do the things you actually like to do?"  She later delves into how habits play a part and what we can do to change that truth.  I think the same is true for keeping the fun in relationships and avoiding being unconsciously victim to monotony.  I want to spend time with my husband just like we did when we were dating, but the kids need dinner and baths and help with homework and oh-my-gosh there's this thing called a career where work comes home (or is home) with you.  It was just so easy in the early days.  Yes, there can be seasons in marriage where it's all you can do to hold each other's gaze for more than two seconds before one of you falls asleep or rushes on to the next thing that has to be done.  That's normal.  I don't you should stress out about your marriage being an endless laugh fest filled with fiery passion at all times.  However, I would tell my former self to prioritize time without the kids whatever that looks like for me.  Having fun together and prioritizing each other; it could look like a weekend away, and stay-cation were someone else entertains them for a day or two, a simple date night, or putting them to bed early so you spend a little extra time together.  I'd tell her the effort changes and the flavor of having fun changes with each season, but when you let yourself have fun, it's easier and happier to live life.

Yes, this is what I'd tell myself then.  I can't help but wonder what I'll be wanting to tell myself in 11 more years.