The Grass is Greener Where You Water It - 3 Lessons Learned on Contentment

A couple of years ago, I saw this quote: "The grass is greener where you water it."  This was nothing profound or new, but it stuck with me and caused me to get in a mindset where I was constantly re-evaluating my motives and attitude.  One of the best life lessons I've learned over the last several years (it's been and still is a process) is just that.  When my contentment is rooted in the NOW instead of something just beyond my grasp, that's the stuff of life. That is the sweet spot.  It is then that I've found true happiness and contentment.  It is then that my soul will flourish rather than merely survive.

In the first several years of my marriage I spent all my energy wishing, hoping, and coveting something more.  If I we can just get married already, then I'll be truly happy.  If only we had more money, then I won't feel so stressed. If only I could move back to Memphis where my friends and family are living, then I won't feel so disconnected.  When I become a mother I'll feel complete.  If I could only stop working my corporate job to stay at home with my kids, then I'll stop feeling to tired and guilty.

These are just a few of my "if onlys."

Although living in the now and watering the grass where I'm standing is still a process for me, I spend almost zero time now wishing for the things that are out of my reach at the moment.  I'm not in a place anymore where I'm frustrated with my situation.  It was only until I recognized that my feelings are MY responsibility and no one else's that I made some progress in getting out of the funk.  I finally accepted that I cannot blame others or my circumstances for my discontentment.  Here are some practical ways was able to do that.

1. Take Care of Your Soul

Probably more important than anything, for me, has been taking time to take care of my soul.  Although I was raised in a religious home where we were at church every time the doors were open, I am just now starting to understand what this means for me personally.  I'm realizing that there's no "one size fits all" for soul-searching and spiritual discipline.  Sometimes I wonder if my struggle with faith and religion in my thirties is related to the fact that I was always at church; it was our entire social circle.  I think when I was on my own I expected my faith and all that comes with that to "happen" to me.  I never had to work for it before....why now?  Because no one was making me.  Do I regret the way I was raised?  No, that's not what I'm saying.  It's taken living in a spiritual dessert in my twenties and a lot of soul searching in my thirties to realize spiritual growth doesn't just happen on it's own.  I can't even show up at church, bible studies, or community outreach events and all the other stuff you are "supposed" to do and expect it to happen.  I had to let myself ask (and continue to ask) the hard, dark, challenging questions.  I had to be patient with myself while I waded through it all.  I had to let go of all the guilt over asking those questions.  I asked God (though my faith in Him was shaky) to set me free and give me motivation to work on my "soul stuff" that comes from desire rather than guilt.  And he did.  When I was free to grow closer to Him out of my desire; not out of guilt; not out of a desire to please others; that is when I could work on the other stuff.  I could freely invest in my community and I could more easily focus on the now and give thanks for everything.

2. Invest in my Community

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about building your village.  I sing to the tune of the same song here.  Friendships and relationships that go beyond surface level don't just happen, and you can't wait for someone else to make the first step.  If you're waiting for others and blaming others or your situation on feeling disconnected it ain't never 'gonna happen.  I can say this with confidence because this was me several years ago.  In our second year of marriage, we had to pack up everything and move to Orlando (a story for another time).  I had a terrible time getting connected there.  Tim was pretty much autonomous in his job, and I worked in a small office of only three or four other people.  We had no kids at the time, and didn't naturally connect with neighbors or anyone we saw every day. We floated around different churches and weren't attached to any one.  I only had two people in all of Orlando that I would call my good friends, and everyone else was just an acquaintance.  I was miserable. I thought if only we could move back to Memphis where all my friends and family were, then I'd stop feeling this way. I probably obsessed about moving back home the entire time we lived there.  I know now how wrong I was to spend my energy feeling that way and obsessing over moving back.  Not only was I making myself miserable, I was making my husband miserable too!  I've learned now that most of the time when a husbands hears his wife lament over something, he hears "I'm failing her somehow and have to fix it."  Instead of spending my focus on how to change my external circumstances, I should have been going out of my comfort zone and investing in relationships.  I know now that moving beyond surface level stuff takes time.  I know now that building friendships and having deep relationships is a two way street.  For me that means reaching out and inviting people over.  It means accepting someone's invitation for a girl's night even if I don't know anyone.  It means saying yes to a dinner invitation even if I'd rather stay home.  It means peaceful patience.

3. Have Gratitude

"The joy of now."  "Enjoy the little things."  "Live in the now."  You can get any one of these phrases emblazoned on a pillow from Hobby Lobby for about $20.  We hear these things all the time.  One of our fabulous mentor moms in my MOPS group recently gave a talk on noticing goodness.  She started out her talk by saying she was an eternal optimist who had a habit of saying "at least" when times were bad.  She had the feeling people sometimes wanted to give her a swift kick.

For example.

"Both kids are sick.  I am now out of vacation days, my husband is out of town on business, and I'm completely swamped at work.  If only I could stay home with my kids.  If I can just get to that point, then life will slow down and I'll be happy."

At least I have a job.  At least your kids are happy and loved.  At least you and your husband are a team; you're on the same page and you love each other.

"If only I could lose 15 lbs, then I'd be comfortable in my own skin.  Then I'd really feel pretty and I'd stop feeling so self conscious."

At least I have a healthy body.  I can run without being too winded.  I can play with my kids.  My body can actually do some pretty amazing things.  I gave birth to two beautiful children and I can lift some heavy crap.  My husband thinks I'm gorgeous.

These are just two pretty trivial examples.  Sometimes saying "at least" is hard and annoying.  But I believe gratitude is a discipline; something to be practiced.  For some people it means a gratitude journal.  For me it simply means constantly raising my awareness and expressing my gratitude in my words and in my thoughts.  I'm sure Anne Voskamp is a lovely person, but there is no way in hell I'm every writing down 1000 things I'm grateful for; see? it looks different for everyone.  Regardless of how I got to a place where I was in a more constant state of grace and gratitude, it was a shift.  It was a decision.  It was something I practiced.

I'm still a work in progress, and some days living in gratitude, working on my soul, and building my community is an effort of massive proportions.  Some days I'd rather just sit on the couch and watch Netflix.  But I'm living with an improved contentment; I'm better than yesterday.

Can anyone relate?  Have you ever found yourself in a place where you felt hard, depressed, or like you were wishing for something more? How did you move through it?