Losing my Religion - The Fallout

About a year and a half ago, I wrote THIS post.  What a journey it's been since then.  Although I'd been struggling with all that stuff for about 5 years before writing that, I didn't truly allow myself to go to those dark places, to explore, to openly question, and to learn until then.  Part of it was denial, part of it was fear, and part of it was plain laziness.  But if I've learned anything over my short time here on earth, I've learned denial keeps you stuck, that fear stunts growth, and laziness blinds inspiration.

I've felt compelled to revisit this post over the last week after hearing THIS sermon.  It doesn't give you/me any answers, but instead of going into exhausting apologetics or trying to explain the nature of God, the speaker (the fabulous and practical Jim Candy) suggests that it's actually healthy to have doubts.  In fact, he proposes that you are taking your faith seriously for having a doubts and goes through a list of questions which seemed to be taken right out of my brain.  Since I started the process of being open and "confessing" my doubts, not once did I have someone tell me that I was taking my faith seriously.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could breath in church.  For a long time I kept quiet about my gaping doubts because I felt like a stranger in my own land.  It seemed like everyone around me believed without a doubt, and I was missing a critical component of the faith equation.

What am I trying to say here?  I suppose this sermon got me thinking about why I was so scared to start having these conversations in the first place.  I also started thinking about the aftermath.  I want to encourage anyone who is facing these questions to not be fearful and to explore them, even if they take you to uncomfortable places.  That's where growth happens.  So here is what had me shaking in my boots before I started down this path so to speak:

I was scared that I was right

For me, this was huge because the church was a massive part of my identity growing up.  I don't mean we went when the doors were open.  I mean it was our LIFE.  Our entire social circle was built around church.  My friends, mentors, and babysitters were part of our church. I went to a Christian school.  I went to church camp in the summer, a church youth conference in the winter, and many mission trips throughout the year.  I still maintain that my church, particularly my youth group experience was a good thing for me.  However, what if all this questioning lead me outside of the church? What did that make me then?  How could I turn my back on everything I knew?  In some ways I totally resented being brought up this way because I felt like I had no space to question and nobody to turn to were my beliefs to shift.  If I decided that Jesus was just an amazing leader or that there are multiple ways to eternity, or that that there IS NO eternity...well, I would be all alone.  If I was right then what did that mean?  How was I to live my life?  I only knew one way.  If I had to start over, and I had no idea how to do it.

I was scared of losing friends and of what others might think


I now know that it is pretty normal for a lot of people to experience these doubts and they take different people to different places.  I suppose this wouldn't have been a big fear for me were it not for my upbringing.  At my breaking point, I wasn't living the exact life the way my parents brought me up, but it was similar.  I had many other circles of friends, but church was still a big one, and a circle that often overlapped other circles (especially living in the south).  If I let it slip that I was angry half the time in church, that I was drowning in doubt, or that I fundamentally disagreed with some of my friends view on life and religion.....what would become of our friendships then?  I knew how to "do church" and people looked up to me...what would they think when they found out I spent half the time struggling and pretending my way through the motions?

There were other reasons why I was terrified to go there, but the above two reasons encompassed my thoughts.

But I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk about it.  I had to know if I was the only one.  And I had to live my truth.  It was freeing.  It was horrible.  It was scary.  It was awesome.  Since I wrote that first post, I've spent the past year and a half, reading, talking with friends, and learning as much as I can.  I've tried to start living a more honest life.  Here are some of the things that have happened as a result.

I lost friends 

Yep, unfortunately this one is true.  Now, I didn't really have any knock-down-drag-out fights or anything like that, but there was a certain and definite shift in some of my friendships.  A few of my friends stopped asking me and my husband to hang out.  I would try to get friends together and somehow they were always busy. I am fully aware that I'm going to sound 13, but here it goes; a chunk of my friends stopped interacting with me on social media (hence another reason for my SOCIAL MEDIA DIET). Recently,  I've heard this type of behavior described as the "passive aggressive fade out."  This was the passive aggressive fade out at it's finest.  I know I can't blame this "coming out" of sorts fully on the loss of some of these friendships, but there was a clear shift after I wrote that post and started to become more transparent in my thinking.  I continued to go to Bible study, and a few times I let myself be vulnerable and truthful, and I remember one instance in particular.  I was explaining how I grappled with whether or not believing in Jesus and claiming that he is Lord of your life really changes anything.  I knew plenty of people who weren't Christians, that were as happy as could be....truly.  They didn't seemed "lost" to me.  How in the world was I supposed to tell them why grace and Jesus were so great if they didn't seem like they needed or wanted to be redeemed?  I remember one person looking at my as if I had three heads after I exposed that particular struggle.  Although most of this loss was passive aggressive in nature, it didn't take away the sting.  IT HURT BADLY.

I gained friends and strengthened friendships

The upside to this was that I was able to some amazing conversations with all kinds of people.  None of which would have happened had I not be open and truthful.  People started coming out of the woodwork saying that they had similar experiences or that they had been hiding too and wanted to know where to go from here.  Some of my surface level friendships became more real because we started talking about some pretty deep stuff rather than the weather and what we did that weekend.  However, there was another sector of people who came out of the woodwork and there is a fine line between strengthening a friendship and realize that one of your "friends" is trying to "fix" you which bring me to my next point...

People tried to "fix" me

Bless their hearts.  I don't mean that in a derogatory way (ok, maybe I do), but people from my church background LOVE apologetics.  They are so logical.  They love to be armed with all the answers.  That's good.  I love that about them and I hate that about them.  Before all was said and done, I had a list a mile long of books to read that would prove the existence of Jesus as well and would convince me that the Bible was no doubt God-inspired and flawless.  There is a fine line between this group of people and the above...the above friends listened and shared their experiences, never trying to fix me or change my mind.  This group of people wanted me to come to their conclusions, their beliefs, and their world views and never really seemed to listen.

I read.  A LOT.

Aside from talking a lot, I read a lot.  I still have a lot of other things I want to read, but here are a few of the things I read over the last year and a half.

Faith Unraveled
A Case for Christ
Mere Christianity
Deism
7: The Experimental Mutiny Against Excess
Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
The Power of Now
Reason for God


I wish I could conclude this post saying that my journey is complete and that I have all the answers in a nice, pretty package.  I don't.   The only thing I really know is that I don't know anything.  I believe some things, but I don't know anything. I thought I'd wrap up this post with where I'm at on this journey, but I'll save that for another time. I've already thrown up on the internet enough for tonight.

For now, I want to say thank you to my friends, family and mentors who have stood along side with me on this. You know who you are.

"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith.  It is an element of faith." ~ Paul Tillich